Being a network administrator, the volume of spam messages that I am forced to wade through every day is ridiculous.  Roughly 85% of all email (incoming and outgoing) passing through the mail server that I manage for 300 users is detected as SPAM.  But even utilizing tightly customized filters does not catch all of it.

On the off chance that any legitimate email is incorrectly flagged as SPAM, I have them all redirected to a public folder that only I can manage.  I go through the folder removing known spam several times a day to keep the server from filling up with the over 5000 daily emails that are directed to it and searching for anything that might have been misdirected.

I normally don't read or open any of the emails, but I check the sender name, recipient name and subject line to determine what to do with each message.  I must say that SPAM subject lines are getting to be quite humorous.  I have decided to collect some of the more entertaining ones below.  They are not for the faint of heart.


1.  Wow check out this huge enlargement patch sale!

Steel Package: 10 Patches reg $79.95 Now $49.95! Free shipping too!
Silver Package: 25 Patches reg $129.95, Now $99.95! Free shipping and free exercise manual included!

Gold Package: 40 Patches reg $189.95, Now $149.95! Free shipping and free exercise manual included!

Platinum Package: 65 Patches reg $259.95, Now $199.95! Free shipping and free exercise manual included! (Best Value!)

Sounds a bit ironic.  Did they put an enlargement patch on the sale to make it huge?  If these things worked, why would I need to buy them in bulk...repeatedly?  If I had an inch for every email like this I received....

And would you really need an exercise manual?  Might I suggest the following:

  1. In,
  2. Out,
  3. Repeat if necessary.


2.  Fucking a man with a small dick is like fucking a rabbit.

Really?  And how many unfortunate rabbits were harmed during testing of this hypothesis?  I have a visual of little bunnies shoved in tiny tubes like tampons.  Thank heavens there were no pictures in the email.  I wonder how absorbant rabbits are.

The proper term for sex with animals is zoophilia.  It's that popular that it has a proper noun? One would think that PETA would be all over these people.  They are...sort of.

In a comment on Peter Singer's article "Heavy Petting", which controversially argued that zoosexuality need not be abusive and if so relationships could form which were mutually enjoyed, Ingrid Newkirk, then president of the American animal rights group PETA, added this endorsement: "If a girl gets sexual pleasure from riding a horse, does the horse suffer? If not, who cares? If you French kiss your dog and he or she thinks it's great, is it wrong? We believe all exploitation and abuse is wrong. If it isn't exploitation and abuse, [then] it may not be wrong."

This led me to some interesting statistics.  Just over half of the states in the nation explicitly outlaw sex with animals.  Five of those just made it illegal in the past decade: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Maine and Oregon.  Makes me wonder if the midwest has had a recent explosion of zoophiles following Ingrid's lead.

3.  You want to measure your penis but it is afraid of the ruler.

Immediately, my mind is drawn to images of Catholic School where the nuns repeatedly whack kids on the knuckles with rulers.  Of course, I don’t know which part of the image is more frightening:  getting whacked by a ruler or nuns.  Either way, this creative way to try to circumvent spam filters does not leave me longing to buy their products.

Keep checking back for more SPAMisms!